Friday, February 17, 2012

Come ON, already!

Sorry....but today is a super frustrating day, and I just have to vent about it since pretty much everything else hurts to do.

17 months post removal.  And yes, I am SOOOOOOO much better, but man--ovulating is still so hard on me!  And this is coming from a woman who used to never even know when it was happening.  Luckily, I am at the point where I know that it will pass in one to two days once my body finally ovulates, but still....sheesh....those two days, today being one of them, is beyond frustrating.

I'm not sure why, but my body still has to work so hard to ovulate each month that it is like every other system in my body has to shut down a bit in order to make it happen.  My body hurts something fierce, my thinking is all jumbled, and I'm exhausted to the point of wishing I could just sit and stare at the wall for the whole day.  Everything seems just so much harder to do!  And yesterday?  Yesterday was just fine....Blech.

You should have seen me trying to make a pot of coffee today--pitiful.  This is something that I do every single day and could do with my eyes closed.  Today, it took me FOREVER to fill the carafe up to the correct numbered line and to count out the scoops of coffee...  If either of the kids said something to me, I would forget what I was doing and have to start over.  What is so maddening is that I KNOW I should be able to do it...which just ticks me off even more.

My daughter needed a bath this morning, and you should have seen me....I was DREADING the fact that I had to do it.  I knew that just walking up the stairs to get to her bathroom was going to hurt my legs and my hips, and then I was going to have to get her cleaned, dried, dressed, hair fixed--all while hurting and in a complete brain haze.... Man, for something that I normally do without even thinking about it, doing it during this window is like asking me to compete in a marathon with my feet in cement shoes.

Yes, I know that I am going to feel just great again in a day or so.  I get it.  I appreciate it--I really do.  I once didn't know if that was ever going to happen, and that was what was so scary.  So no, I'm not scared....but I'm angry today.  This isn't fair.  For these two days each month, this isn't okay that my body and my mind just can't seem to work like I know they are supposed to.

I'll keep fighting through it because I have to train myself to be able to function successfully through it (just in case this becomes a long term thing...I will eventually be back at work, and I won't have the option to "opt out" as much as I want to, I have to learn how to function through this.  I hope that this will someday be a thing of the past just like everything else has become.  I need it to be.

Sorry for the negative post today.  I'll feel better again in no time.  I just want you all to know that I DO still know--far too well--what this stupid thing has done to us.

I just keep focusing on how lucky I am to finally be at the point here I only have a couple of affected days per month now instead of every minute of every day.  I'm lucky....but I'm not done yet.  I am still working on how to ovulate successfully now without my body needing to shut down everything else.  I'll figure it out....I'm far too stubborn not to.  Focus on what I know today, gets better as time passes.  One day, God willing, this will all just be a bad dream.

All my love.  Keep fighting.  I'm right there with you.


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